Have you ever found yourself asking if you’re making as much money as someone else, or is your house as big? As humans, we tend to compare the successes. This can make it particularly difficult when everyone appears to be living perfect lives on social media. When you compare yourself to a perfect image that doesn’t even exist, you’re setting yourself up for failure. Let’s try to understand why humans compare themselves and how you can stop.
Why Do We Compare Ourselves to Others?
Comparison is human nature and acommon part of human social life. It’s normal to compare yourself to your past self, others in your age group, or online. Social comparison isn’t all bad. It can help to set a baseline that can support growth. When you take stock of what’s around you and how you can improve yourself, it can be a powerful motivator. But social comparison can be a double-edged sword. It has the power to cause a lot of psychological pain. When you think you can’t measure up to other people, it can become a problem.
Some studies estimate thatas much as 10% of our thoughts are comparisonsof some type. There are benefits and dangers to social comparison. Psychologist Leon Festinger developed social comparison theory in the fifties based on the idea that individuals determine their worth based on how they compare to others. Over time, research shows that while comparing yourself to others can be beneficial, for some, it can lead to feelings of dissatisfaction, guilt, and remorse.
The two major types of social comparison are upward and downward. Upwardcomparison occurs when you compare yourself to someone you believe is superior. On the other hand, downward comparison means comparing yourself to someone you think is inferior. Both types of comparisons can have pros and cons.
With social media, human comparisons are more accessible than ever before. Many people tend to compare the ups rather than the downs. It can feel like there’s an endless stream of perfect jobs, marriages, bodies, and houses, but this isn’t the case. Sometimes social media can amplify this idea of the perfect life, and that’s a problem.
What are the Effects of Comparing Yourself to Other People?
While comparing yourself to others may provide some motivation and even set a baseline for improvement, it can have a deeply dark side.
Dr. Claire Nakajima, Psychologist Resident in New York City, explains further. “Comparing yourself with others in a way that’s driven by envy or jealousy can sour relationships, feed insecurities, and color your experience of what could otherwise be very enjoyable and precious moments. When you’re constantly comparing others favorably to yourself, your self-esteem is also going to be negatively impacted, and this can contribute to feelings ofanxiety and depression.”
If you’re like most people, you’re much kinder to others than yourself. Sometimes you can end up being your own worst enemy. If you find that you’re always comparing yourself to others negatively, it can evoke negative emotions like:
- Guilt
- Remorse
- Destructive behavior
- Deep dissatisfaction
- Lower self-esteem
8 Ways to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
When you’re comparing the worst of yourself to the best of others, it’s not a fair comparison. Most of the time, you don’t know the whole story. You see a glimpse of perfection rather than the behind-the-scenes clip. If you’re constantly comparing yourself to others, here are seven tips to help you stop.
Create a Healthy Support Circle
Sometimes it feels like competitive friends or toxic relationships thrive off comparison. Think about the people in your life and create a healthy support circle. One study found that themore upward the comparison, the lower the self-esteem. But the more social support users have, the higher their self-esteem. If you’re not sure where to start, try searching for a local group that shares an interest you have. This could be an exercise group or maybe a photography group.
Focus on What You Have
When you feel your mind wandering off to what other people have, try to focus on what you have. Dr. Claire Nakajima suggests that you “focus on yourself and figuring out what works for you rather than feeling like you need to fit a mold that works for someone else. In some situations, it can be helpful to learn from others, but you can make it your own.” Think about what you are grateful for in your life and write it down to stay fresh in your mind.
Curate a Healthy Social Media Feed
There’s a growing body of research that’s looking into themental health effects of social media. Sometimes social media can feel so overwhelming. If you want your social media feed to be more positive without quitting altogether, you can do some social media pruning. Consider unfollowing triggering or unhelpful content. Weed out the pages that don’t serve you and create a healthier feed to nurture a safer online space.
Compete with Yourself
Instead of comparing yourself to others, compete with yourself. Focus on your personal goals, success, and development. Think about how far you have come in the last five years. Even in the last year, think about how you have grown or maybe learned a new skill.
Shift Your Mindset
Like many things in life, your mindset can have a big impact. The next time you find yourself thinking that an individual has something you admire or, ideally, would like to have, try to shift your mindset. You may be thinking, “why am I not like this?” or “what’s wrong with me?” Instead, think about what you can do to get closer to what they have or how you can better yourself to get that quality. Look at comparison as a way to grow. Yes, another person may have something that you don’t, but try to see it as an opportunity to grow. This helps to remove the guilt that inevitably comes with human comparison.
Celebrate Your Achievements
When you’re busy comparing yourself to someone’s success or skill, you tend to forget about yourself. Dr. Claire Nakajima explains “that if someone is good at something or has a quality that you admire, that doesn’t mean that you don’t have your own strengths and talents and attributes to be admired.” Remember to celebrate your achievements, strengths, and talents. Be your biggest cheerleader.
Have a Social Media Detox
Social media has a big role to play in human comparison. Dr. Claire Nakajima says, “social media is a driver of social comparison on a scale we’ve never had to deal with in the past, and we’re still in the process of figuring out its effects and how to manage it.
People now have such easy accessibility to other people whose lives look perfect because they have been carefully curated to look that way. It feels like the norm because it’s so accessible and ubiquitous, and then people feel like they’re not a part of that false norm.
Rationally, we know that people on social media only show the good times and use photoshop and filters. But that doesn’t stop us from comparing and believing that we should attain that lifestyle or beauty standard because it feels like everyone has it, even though that’s a false narrative.”
If you find that your social media activity negatively impacts the way you feel, try to have a social media detox. Whether it’s a week or thirty-day reset, taking some time off from social media can help you feel back in control of your digital andmental wellbeing. Here are some tips to help you take a step back:
- Delete social media apps and block websites
- Partner up with a detox buddy
- Don’t look at your phone after a specific time at night
- Tell your family and friends
- Plan your detox time with fun activities
Speak to a Therapist
“If you feel that social comparison negatively impacts your relationships or contributes to feelings of anxiety,depression, or low self-esteem, then speaking to a therapist could be helpful,” recommends Dr. Claire Nakajima. Speaking to a therapist can help you to regain control of your life.
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If you find that you’re comparing yourself to others more or feeling anxious and suffering from low self-esteem, we can help you findcounseling services near youto manage your anxiety and support you on your journey of self-discovery and healing.
FAQs
Why Do Humans Compare Themselves to Others (And How to Stop)? ›
Comparisons are a normal part of human cognition and can be good for the self-improvement process. When we compare ourselves to others, we get information about what we want and where we want to be, and we get valuable feedback on how we measure up. However, they can also cause us a lot of psychological pain.
Why do humans compare themselves to others? ›Festinger basically said that people evaluate their opinions and abilities by comparing themselves to other people for two reasons: First, to reduce uncertainty in the areas in which they're comparing themselves. And second, to learn how to define themselves.
Why can't I stop comparing myself to others? ›This tendency to compare ourselves to other people is called social comparison, and it is a natural way for us to evaluate how we're doing. When we compare ourselves to others who are better off than we are, it is called an upward social comparison, and it tends to make us feel dissatisfied.
Why do we tend to make social comparisons with others? ›Social comparison is a form of sociological self-esteem, where we derive our sense of self through comparing ourselves with others (Festinger, 1954). Festinger argued people have a tendency to make downward social comparisons with those who are worse off or less skilled than them, and this can raise their self-esteem.
Why comparing yourself to others is the most toxic behavior? ›Comparing ourselves to others is toxic for so many reasons, but the one that's most damaging is what it does to our self-worth. We feel "less than" when we compare, we feel like we are not good enough and that somehow we need to do better. This is a terrible place to be in. One that leads to depression and anxiety.
What do you call someone who always compares themselves to others? ›Social comparison bias can be defined as having feelings of dislike and competitiveness with someone that is seen physically, or mentally better than yourself.
What makes it hard to be yourself with others? ›Half the reason most of us can't be ourselves around others is that deep down we are not really sure who we really are. We've spent too much of our life shifting ourselves to match what others want. Commit to getting to know yourself. Journalling is a great place to start.
What do people compare themselves to? ›The social comparison process involves people coming to know themselves by evaluating their own attitudes, abilities, and traits in comparison with others. In most cases, we try to compare ourselves to those in our peer group or with whom we are similar.
What God says about comparing yourself to others? ›Don't compare yourself with others. Just look at your own work to see if you have done anything to be proud of. You must each accept the responsibilities that are yours.
Who said don't compare yourself to others? ›Quote by Adolf Hitler: “Do not compare yourself to others.
When comparing yourself to others is not wise? ›
2 Corinthians 10:12 King James Version (KJV)
For we dare not make ourselves of the number, or compare ourselves with some that commend themselves: but they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise.
While beneficial to some, for others, the act of comparing can lead to negative feelings of envy, low self-esteem, low self-confidence and isolation. For many of us, the "why don't I look like her?”, when we compare ourselves to, say, a full-time Instagram model, can lead to us feeling overwhelmed and low in mood.
What causes negative social comparison? ›Negative social comparisons are fueled by the use of cognitive distortions. These are negatively skewed ways of thinking in terms of the available evidence. Cognitive distortions add to the intensity of various difficult mood states such as depression, anxiety, anger, frustration and guilt.
What is the theory of comparing others? ›Description. Social comparison theory was first popularized by psychologist Leon Festinger in 1954 (Festinger 1954). SCT proposes that there is a primitive drive within individuals to compare themselves with others in order to evaluate their own opinions and abilities.
Why comparison destroys personality? ›People compare themselves with others when they are not able to achieve what they ought to achieve. It is crucial to understand no one can take your place. You are fighting your own battles, and others are fighting their own. A comparison will rob a person of all his goals & dreams.
What causes toxic personality? ›Many people who behave in a toxic manner have been through trauma themselves, and instead of dealing with that trauma, these people start exhibiting toxic traits. These people usually don't know how to process trauma and stress in a healthy manner, so they end up being unpleasant around people.
Does comparing yourself to others cause anxiety? ›Seeing a rose-tinted view of another's life may lead us to believe that everyone else is happier, richer, or more successful than we are. However, constant comparisons will not only provoke anxiety, but can also reduce cognitive performance and productivity.
What is it called in psychology when you compare yourself to others? ›Social comparison is a normal behavior strategy where we seek to better understand our status relating to ability, opinion, emotional reaction, and more, by comparing ourselves to other people.
What is it called when you act like you re better than everyone else? ›arrogance. noun. behaviour that shows that you think you are better or more important than other people.
What is comparing yourself to others called in psychology? ›Social comparison theory is the idea that individuals determine their own social and personal worth based on how they stack up against others. The theory was developed in 1954 by psychologist Leon Festinger.
How do you act like yourself around everyone? ›
Focus on every interaction. Here's one trick you can do so you can always be yourself around others and avoid overthinking other menial things. Whenever you're conversing with someone, or interacting with them in any way, focus on them. Focus on their words and their actions.
Why am I so mentally hard on myself? ›Being hard on yourself and having shaming thoughts can come from sources like your family, peers, educational institutions, culture, religion, work places, and other places as well. They can also be a result of being predisposed to certain mental conditions, as low self-esteem can be a sign of certain disorders.
What causes us to be hard on ourselves? ›Some people are naturally hard on themselves. They might have low self-esteem or grow up in an environment where criticism came often, and praise was rarely heard. Other times there are psychological issues that lead to a person being hard on themselves or a disorder that makes them have a lack of confidence.
Why do some people always compare? ›Comparisons are a normal part of human cognition and can be good for the self-improvement process. When we compare ourselves to others, we get information about what we want and where we want to be, and we get valuable feedback on how we measure up. However, they can also cause us a lot of psychological pain.
Is it healthy to compare yourself? ›Comparison can help you be more self-aware.
If you are healthy spiritually and emotionally, comparing yourself to others who are great at what they do can show you where you can improve. In this, you realize more about yourself and your strengths.
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.
What did Bible said about comparison? ›2 Corinthians 10:12
Not that we dare to classify or compare ourselves with some of those who are commending themselves. But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding.
Galatians 6:4-5 in God's WORD Translation says: “Each of you must examine your own actions. Then you can be proud of your own accomplishments without comparing yourself to others. Assume your own responsibility.”
Is it natural to compare yourself to others? ›Comparing ourselves to others is a normal process of human cognition. While not all comparisons are necessarily unfavourable, it is important to regularly look inward to confront any possible negative emotions they may cause.
Does comparison cause low self-esteem? ›Low self-esteem: Comparing yourself to others can lead to negative thoughts and a lower sense of self-esteem. By constantly comparing, people lose the ability to celebrate their achievements and often gain feelings of self-doubt.
How do I stop comparing myself in psychology today? ›
- Become aware of, and avoid, your triggers. ...
- Remind yourself that other people's “outsides” can't be compared to your “insides.” ...
- Repeat whenever necessary: “Money doesn't buy happiness, and never will.” ...
- Be grateful for the good in your life, and resist any lies that shout, “It's not enough.”
The outgrowth of comparison is jealousy, insecurity, and discontentment. Then love, peace, and worship are choked out in the heart. Comparison, if allowed to root, will extinguish your worship to God.
What happens in the brain when we compare ourselves to others? ›When comparing themselves with others, people show biases that may influence comparative brain processes. For example, people have a tendency to overestimate their qualities and to consider themselves as better than average 76.
How do you stop upward social comparison? ›Identifying the social media accounts that make you feel this way and then unfollowing, unsubscribing, or unfriending them is one way to avoid comparing yourself with others or feeling dissatisfied with your life.
What is the trap of comparison? ›The trap of comparison is that we're stuck in a negative loop if we feel less than someone else or even better than another person. It's actually the opposite side of the same coin in either case. All of this is an insatiable ego game that ultimately sets us up to lose.
What are the dark side of social comparisons? ›Several negative consequences are associated with social comparison. White, Langer, Yariv, and Welch (2006) reported that frequent social comparison could lead to feelings like envy, guilt, regret, and defensiveness.
How do you try to avoid social comparison? ›- Build boundaries into your social media experience. ...
- Practice gratitude. ...
- Compare yourself to yourself.
Even if the consequences are “objectively” profitable for individuals, unfavorable social comparisons could lead to resentment [10, 62], which could further increase the level of depression and anxiety in individuals [42].
How does comparison affect your life? ›Comparing ourselves to others allows them to drive our behavior. This type of comparison is between you and someone else. Sometimes it's about something genetic, like wishing to be taller, but more often it's about something the other person is capable of doing that we wish we could do as well.
How can social comparison affect a person? ›Individuals with greater social comparison orientation derived from low self-esteem have worse mental health, as they are more likely to hurt themselves psychologically (Jang et al.
What are the 2 most common types of social comparison? ›
Social comparison can be upward or downward in nature. Upward comparison occurs when people compare themselves to someone they perceive to be superior (Wheeler, 1966), whereas a downward comparison is defined by making a comparison with someone perceived to be inferior (Wills, 1981).
Is it natural for humans to compare? ›Comparison is human nature and a common part of human social life. It's normal to compare yourself to your past self, others in your age group, or online. Social comparison isn't all bad. It can help to set a baseline that can support growth.
What does God say about comparing yourself to others? ›Don't compare yourself with others. Just look at your own work to see if you have done anything to be proud of. You must each accept the responsibilities that are yours.
Are humans wired to compare? ›Comparisons are a Feedback Loop
If you know you're doing worse than someone else, it can motivate you to work harder and improve yourself. If you know you're doing about the same as someone else, it can motivate you to change strategies and tactics and keep doing better.
Humans are unusual animals by any stretch of the imagination. Our special anatomy and abilities, such as big brains and opposable thumbs, have enabled us to change our world dramatically and even launch off the planet.
How do I stop comparing myself to others Bible? ›Realize we all have different strengths and weaknesses.
So when we start feeling the need to compare, we must recognize our opportunity to practice humility. This, too, can come through a simple prayer: Thank You, Heavenly Father, that in my weakness, You are strong (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).
2 Corinthians 10:12 King James Version (KJV)
For we dare not make ourselves of the number, or compare ourselves with some that commend themselves: but they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise.
While not an official diagnosis, obsessive comparison disorder (also known as constant comparison disorder) is characterized by an obsession with comparing yourself to others. Social media is often the main culprit in this disorder, but social comparison can happen in real life, too.
How self confidence is affected by comparing ourselves to others? ›1. Low self-esteem: Comparing yourself to others can lead to negative thoughts and a lower sense of self-esteem. By constantly comparing, people lose the ability to celebrate their achievements and often gain feelings of self-doubt.
How do you stop compare and despair? ›- Get clear about what makes YOU different. A lot of the time, we compare ourselves to people when we have no business doing so. ...
- Decide what you want. Make sure you're being clear about what you want. ...
- Create something awesome. ...
- Unplug. ...
- Be grateful.
What is the fear of being compared to others? ›
Social anxiety disorder is an intense, persistent fear of being watched and judged by others. This fear can affect work, school, and other daily activities. It can even make it hard to make and keep friends. The good news is social anxiety disorder is treatable.